Wedding Etiquette

This is an extract from an old book (over 100 years old) on wedding etiquette that I found recently. It is rather quaint, but many of the points still apply today.

The place of wedding etiquette, the social law which regulates the conduct of engaged people towards others, and of other people towards them, is immediately after the announcement of the engagement; then there is scope for the display of good manners, and there are certain rules which must be observed.

Some members of the gentleman's family, his nearest relations, should call upon the family of the lady, and they should return the call as soon as possible. It is by no means necessary that the two families should be intimate; there may be good and sufficient reasons why they should not be so; all that is necessary is the show of civility, which is included in the interchange of visits. If the family of the gentleman does not reside in the same city as that of the lady, the announcement of the engagement should be followed by letters from his parents or nearest relatives to the young lady herself or her parents. Wedding etiquette dictates that kindly and cordial feeling should be the prevailing tone of such letters, and they must be answered at once.

Though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in some degree, there is no necessity in wedding etiquette for such a display of amiability on the part of the lady.

It is customary in wedding etiquette for the gentleman to make some present to his fiancee soon after the engagement. The most elegant and desirable present is a handsome ring, "the engagement ring," which should be either of diamonds or pearls. The lady sometimes returns a similar ring, or the gentleman has two made exactly similar, each of the betrothed wearing one.

According to wedding etiquette, he first present must be made by the gentleman. It is very proper for this first present to be followed by gifts upon appointed days, as birthdays, Christmas, or New Year's Day, and the lady is at perfect liberty to return the compliment. It is considered more elegant for the gentleman to offer jewelry, the lady some gift which is the work of her own hands, as a handsome pair of embroidered slippers, a handkerchief with richly embroidered monograms, a cigar-case embroidered, or some similar gift.

Once the engagement is allowed, it is the custom in wedding etiquette to admit the gentleman into the intimate society of his newly-adopted relatives; he is looked upon as something more than a potential member of the family; he is implicitly trusted in every way.

It is a gross breach of good manners to omit the gentleman from any invitation in which his fiancee is included, and there are not many young ladies who would consent to accept such an invitation. There is, however, no rule of wedding etiquette forbidding an engaged lady to do so, if she so desires.

In return for the membership which is accorded to him in the lady's family, wedding etiquette requires the engaged man to show all possible deference towards the of members it, especially to the parents. Towards the sisters of his lady love, he should be kind; and generally attentive, and frank, and cordial in his intercourse with her brothers. If there are young children in the family, nothing will make him more popular with the older members than an occasional gift of toys or confectionery, or an excursion during the holidays with the schoolboys, who will readily swear allegiance, after such a trip, to "the man Emily is going to marry," or (vulgar little wretches that they are) to "Amelia's 'beau'."

It is not according to the strict laws of wedding etiquette for the brothers and sisters to call the new member at first by his Christian name. Much will depend on his age and his disposition. There are some people whom one can never address otherwise than formally, while with others it seems perfect nonsense to call them otherwise than by the most familiar term.

If not a positive requirement of wedding etiquette, it is, at least, a politic thing to pay considerable attention to the future mother-in-law. To occupy a good place in her esteem and affection is to smooth many a furrow, which otherwise might trip one up in his walk over the tender ground that leads to matrimony.

An engaged man should never forget the exceedingly abnormal position he occupies with reference to the lady's family; the inconvenience his presence may occasion, and the amount of forbearance necessary on their parts to insure even a friendly status for him in the household. Wedding etiquette advises that he should endeavor to repay this by a careful attention to the general rules of the family, and even to the particular fancies of the members; he should rigidly observe their hours for meals, and be careful not to stay later in the evening than the usual hour for the household to retire.

Flirtations on either side should be avoided, not only as, matter of wedding etiquette, but of humanity. No one who is really sincere in his professions will wish to inflict pain on the object of his affections. The same remark applies to the other side. Can it be anything but painful in the extreme for a really loving heart to see in the beloved one a tendency to trifle with the most sacred emotions of the heart?

It is not wedding etiquette to make signal displays of devotion in public, or to be constantly sitting apart from the rest of the company; but, on the other hand, "the authorities" will do well to make occasions when the engaged pair can be by themselves, doing so, not ostentatiously, but rather doing it, without speaking of it or drawing attention to it. Nothing can make an engaged couple look more foolish, and feel more uncomfortable, than for the family to quit the room in which all have been sitting, with some such remark as: "Come away! Fanny and Mr. Amor want this room to themselves." Poor Fanny!